A whiskey adventure for you and me.
A leather weekend bag is timeless. There is no need to roll a bag which complies to TSA’s miniscule size restrictions.
Book Virgin. If ever you’re standing in a Delta herd being berated by shells of human beings in formless gray suits, and you look over towards the well-managed and colorful Virgin station with their rock music lite and stunning freckled attendant whisking wiser bookers into an amenity-loaded machine, listen: you’re going to regret not heeding this advice.
Your local used book shop usually has current magazines in stock for about a dollar. Pick up a few before you go.
Airlines allow you to take as many one-ounce bottles of liquor as can fit in a Ziploc baggie. This amounts to about 5.
Security will indeed make a comment.
Remove your belt, jewelry, watch, adornments, and empty your pockets before you even get to the airport. Stow them all in an accessible pocket with your phone charger.
Avoid dressing like a college freshman. Airline travel requires sitting in a seat for a few hours. This task doesn’t really necessitate showing up in public in sweats and slippers.
Do, however, don a cozy sweater. It can later double as a pillow or a blanket.
If you travel often or have a long layover, consider investing in a power splitter. It’ll alleviate that game of musical-chargers we all end up forced into around the scarce outlets.
Board last. Everyone will want to rush on and off planes, as they must be the very first. Your seat will be there waiting for you. No need to attend the roller bag vs. compartment wrestling match.
Get a window seat.
You are totally allowed to bring your own food with you. Stow a sandwich in your bag and be reminded midway through your flight, while your seatmate is ordering some pathetic $12 saran wrap pack of dry bread and wilted vegetables.
Disconnect for a few hours. How often do you get a few solitary hours to just read or survey the freeways and intricate urban sprawl patterns and swaths of farmland from a 30,000 foot vantage point?
Note also, books needn’t be powered off during takeoff and landing.
Invest in some noise-cancelling headphones. Earbuds will be rendered useless.
Charge your iPod fully before you go, or be prepared to watch it flicker to a midflight demise just as that kid’s tantrum peaks.
Order rocks or a mixer. Pour whiskey in.
Take a few bathroom breaks. If you don’t pace around and drink some water, you will swell up uncomfortably. (Perhaps avoid leather shoes for this reason.)
Do not drink all 5 of those whiskies.
Maybe it’s true that your intoxication doubles with altitude. Just don’t drink all of that whiskey.
If ever you need to land a plane yourself, sobriety will come naturally. Find a radio, repeat “Mayday” a few times, follow the horizon, and someone will hopefully direct you to an area where you will then have to fuss with a bunch of levers and buttons. It’ll make a great story someday.
Thank the attendant and pilot.
If you ended up checking a bag, don’t hover over the mouth of the conveyer belt until it spits out your bag. Imagine a world where everyone honored the design of a baggage carousel and stood five feet from it as their bag rounded the bend towards them. Imagine.
A book, a nap, a sandwich, and a few whiskies later, you’ve successfully navigated modern air travel.