Modern Drunkard had compiled a list of “The 86 Rules of Boozing.” While some of them are a bit of antiquated bullshit (really fellas, let’s ease up on the “nancy boy” rhetoric and declaring some drinks “girly,” come on now) but many are still worth rehashing:
2. Always toast before doing a shot.
5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.
6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.
7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.
8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.
9. Get the bartender’s attention with eye contact and a smile.
10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.
11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I’m going to get drunk. I hate shots. It’s coming back up.
28. If you can’t afford to tip, you can’t afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.
29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.
32. You can have a shot of your roommates’ hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.
34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.
37. Try one new drink each week.
41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.
49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don’t plan to finish it, don’t accept it.
50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.
54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.
55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.
64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.
71. It’s acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.
72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you’re hammered and they’re sober. It’s akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you’re wrong and either way you’re going to come off as a jackass.
73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.
75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.
79. If you are 86’d, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.
80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.
83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.
85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.
86. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.